Literally

I have a nasty habit of visualizing the literal picture of anything that anyone ever says ever.  It ranges from the normal phrases that people use, to homonyms, to idioms.

For example:


My mother told me the other day that my sister Chrissy was making Caribbean jerk chicken for dinner.  Immediately my brain flashes to this:

 

This results in spontaneous giggling in public places and puzzled looks from innocent bystanders.

It's a sickness, really.




But for your entertainment pleasure, and for the purposes of this blog post, here's some more examples of how my sad sad brain works.

I got this visual as someone was pouring out a heartfelt story about their father and his ill-fated cholesterol levels.  I am a horrible person.

Heppy Bawtday!

July seems to be the month of birthdays!  See also:  August, September, November, January, and March.  All other months have no significance to me.

So today marks the anniversary of the birth of the coolest mommy in el mundo, my mother and surrogate mother to Shellie, Suzanne Ganzelli!  (AKA: Mama G.)

Happy birthday, Mama!!  I love you!! =D

Also in the spirit of birthdays, in merely two days' time, our sweet little Shellie Kinard will have reached the milestone that is her twenty-first birthday!

And she's not gonna drink!

PARTY!!!!!!!!

But anyway, so I'd like to wish my bestest freakin' bud in the whole freakin' universe. . . .

The incomparable. . . .


The insatiable. . . .


The ludicrous. . . .



The superfluous. . . .


The barnabas. . . .


The shelliest. . . .

A HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








Coolest birthday card ever, no?  ;)  Internet technology FTW! 
 

Those Poor People

Mustang Patty

Deborah and I work in retail at Random Department Store, Inc. as cashiers and fitting room attendants.  Lovely.

Being a relatively large store in a relatively populated area, you relatively get a few weirdos pass through those doors.

 

  

And just some plain annoying people.

But last week, something happened that I don’t think I will ever forget.  No matter how hard I try.

You get a lot of random conversation while you’re checking people out at the register.  And that’s how this particular incident began.

 

It took every ounce of willpower not to positively freak out and drink an entire bottle of hand sanitizer before finishing the transaction, careful not to let my mouth close in any way.

Once he left, still raving about mustangs and other cars I could give a crap about, I doused my face with hand sanitizer for the next three hours while simultaneously shooting daggers at Deborah’s uproarious fit of laughter.

Ah, the unsanitary joys of working in retail.

The Evilness

 

 

 

 

April Fools!

 

Excuses

I swear I haven't forgotten to update, guys!  I have a bunch of excuses right as to why I have not written a blog in the last 18 days.  Ready?  Here we go.


1.  My laptop cord broke.


2.  Because of this, my laptop has run out of battery.


3.  No one in my family has the same laptop cord, therefore I cannot charge it.


4.  Even when Deborah graciously allowed me to charge my laptop with her cord, my computer keeps shutting down because it gets overheated easily.


5.  My computer is a douche.


6.  I've been away in Philadelphia to visit family for a week and won't be back until tomorrow.


7.  I don't have continuous access to a computer to do this kind of thang.  Right now I have snuck away from the crowd and am currently hidden in the upstairs room, typing as quietly as possible so that no one may hear me lest they attack.  Ssshh.


8.  I also sort of have writer's block.  It's slowly eating at my soul and if left untreated will consume me like the gooey alien parasite from Spiderman.


9.  Spiderman 3 was agonizingly horrible.


10.  That last one wasn't really an excuse.  More just a random thought.


11.  Crap neither was that one.


12.  This list is proof that my brain is literally being eaten by Venom.  And he is commanding me to tell you that he is now Ruler of All That Is Awesome and to tell Shellie to suck it.


13.  Oh and Shellie refuses to write a blog post either cuz she's a jerk and can't handle the responsibility of being a co-author of Midnight Porkchop!! 


14.  And now Jeanine is here reading over my shoulder!  Say hi, Jeanine!  (Jeanine:  Hoi.)  Yay!


15.  Okay bye.